


for all of the bruises I've caused

by softlass27



Series: Aaron Week 2020 [7]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Biphobia, Bisexuality, Character Study, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:02:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27089827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softlass27/pseuds/softlass27
Summary: Aaron Week Day 7: Free ChoiceShortly after he and Robert get back together, a conversation with Victoria causes Aaron to address some old feelings and insecurities.
Relationships: Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden
Series: Aaron Week 2020 [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1967971
Comments: 25
Kudos: 102





	for all of the bruises I've caused

_Early March 2018_

It was a chilly Saturday morning when Aaron nipped out to get them both some breakfast from the cafe. Last night had been Seb’s first staying over at the Mill, and while he was good as gold most of the time, he did have them up before the crack of dawn for a feed and hadn’t shut his eyes since. 

Aaron didn’t really mind, he loved having Robert’s little boy over and getting to know him properly. He didn’t care what anyone (his mum and Paddy) said when they thought he couldn’t hear, the kid was the double of Robert in every way, not even a hint of Rebecca when Aaron looked down at his little face. Robert was all he could see.

He’d done his best to make sure Robert knew it, too. Despite his promise that he’d never resent Seb, he could tell that Robert had been slightly nervous bringing him round the night before, about pushing him on Aaron. Liv hadn’t helped matters when she’d come home from school, taken one disinterested look at the baby, and flounced upstairs never to be seen again.

But they’d had a good night. Aaron helped Robert with feeds and giving Seb his bath, had rocked him to sleep and grinned with delight every time Seb had grabbed his thumb in a vice-like grip. Robert had watched them both with wide-eyed awe, like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Aaron had told him, more than once, that it was never going to happen. It was a good night – a _great_ night – but a tiring one.

So yeah, he was knackered, they both were – strong coffees and bacon butties were a must. The cafe was quiet at this time in the morning, only a few customers scattered across the tables. After giving Brenda his order, he spotted Victoria sitting in the corner and shot her a wave. She waved back and beckoned him over.

“Alright?” He sank down into the seat opposite her.

She nodded at him with a sleepy grin. “Needed a croissant, been craving one since last night. How was Seb’s sleepover?”

“It was good, yeah. He’s got a pair of lungs on him though, eh?”

“Yeah, tell me about it,” Vic snorted. 

They chatted quietly until Brenda came over with Aaron’s food and coffee. He got to his feet when Vic suddenly grabbed his arm to keep him there.

“Actually, have you got a sec?”

“I need to get these back, you know what Rob’s like when he doesn’t have caffeine before nine.”

“It’ll only take a couple of minutes.” She raised her eyebrows pleadingly, and he sat back down with a sigh.

“Go on, then.” 

Victoria smiled at him softly. “I’m really happy for yous two, y’know? You and Robert. Anyone with eyes can see you belong together.”

Aaron smiled back at her. After so many months of denying how he felt, of trying to convince himself and his family that Robert wasn’t the one for him, it felt good to finally accept that Robert wasn’t someone he would have moved on from, not ever. It felt even better to have someone agree with him, for once.

“I just… want to check that you’re sure about him. And Seb too, I suppose.”

“Yeah, I am,” he nodded. “I wouldn’t have got back together with him if I wasn’t.”

“So you’re definitely onboard with everything, no going back?” Victoria raised a questioning eyebrow, her tone hopeful but strangely cautious. “You’re not going to change your mind? I don’t want him getting hurt.”

Aaron frowned slightly, mind flashing back to that night a couple of week ago, when Vic told him off for messing with Robert’s head on Valentine’s Day. 

“I just said so, didn’t I? What’re you… Vic, is this a _shovel talk_?”

“No!” she cried, holding up her hands innocently. “Well, maybe. A bit.”

Aaron chewed the inside of his mouth to suppress a smirk. Victoria could be a little tactless, bossy as hell when she wanted to be, and had no problem making her opinions known, but when it came to actual threats she was about as intimidating as a Pomeranian.

“You didn’t give me one last time,” he said, trying to keep the amusement out of his voice.

“I thought about it but, I dunno, it seemed silly,” she shrugged. “Seeing as the two of you had already been… a _thing_ for ages without me even knowing about it. And there was the fact that, it was, well, _you_. I already knew you.”

She had a point. Weird as it was to think about, he’d known Vic even longer than he’d known Robert, years longer. In a way, she’d seen parts of him that even Robert never had.

“But you thought you’d do it this time?”

“Well, it’s different this time, a lot’s happened,” Vic said, biting her lip. “And me and Robert are closer now, we talk more than we used to, you know? Not loads, but… since Seb was born. Since he lost you and I lost Adam.”

Aaron pushed down the automatic pang of sorrow and guilt he felt at the mention of Adam’s name.

“That’s good,” he managed to get out. “He loves you to bits, y’know?”

“I know, I love him, too. With everything that’s happened, we’ve only really had each other for the last few months, and we’ve both opened up a bit. Usually after a bottle of wine or whisky, but still. And he’s told me some stuff.”

“Okay… ”

She took a long sip of her coffee, before fiddling with the handle, twisting the mug back and forth. “I know he hurt you. Really badly.”

“Yeah, but I’ve forgiven him. I’m not gonna be holding what happened over his head or anythin’, you don’t have to worry about that.”

“I know that,” she nodded, no hint of a lie in her face. There was still a hint of concern, though. “But you… hurt him, too, sometimes. Not in the same way, but… ”

Aaron blinked, and the amiable smile he'd been giving her dropped off his face abruptly. That wasn’t where he’d expected her to go.

“I know he took our breakup hard but – ”

“I’m not talking about the breakup, I don’t blame you for that. I’m talking about when you were together.”

“Then… what…?”

“Look, I don’t know the ins and outs of how the two of you were last time, of course I don’t, and maybe it’s not my place, but he’s my brother and I _worry_ about him and – ”

“Vic, if you’ve got somethin’ to say, maybe you should just spit it out. I won’t get upset, I swear.”

“Maybe it’s none of my business – ”

“Hasn’t stopped you before.”

She hesitated for a moment, before steeling herself.  “He mentioned once or twice how you… you had a bit of a problem with his sexuality. With him being bi, I mean.”

_ Oh. _

“That’s – I don’t – ”

“I’m not having a go, I swear,” Vic continued earnestly, words gathering speed like they always did when she had something she was dying to say. “But you – you have so many people who love you, all these family members who'll always look out for you, back you up and take your side. Robert doesn’t have that, there’s only me. And Diane, I suppose. Which is why I have to say this, I won’t forgive myself if I don’t at least put it out there.”

Victoria finally paused for breath and Aaron stared at her, taken aback.

“I can’t pretend to know how you felt the last time yous two were together, or how you feel now. But Rob told me once that you would’ve preferred it if he was gay. Like you.”

“I never said that to him!” Aaron snapped at her, horrified. 

“I’m not saying you did,” she kept her voice low, calm in a way that almost reminded Aaron of his therapist. “He never said you did, either. But he seemed pretty sure that was the case, so there must have been something to make him feel that way. He didn’t seem angry about it either, just sad… and a bit hurt.”

Victoria was looking at Aaron in a way that made him think of when they were just kids, back when he was trying to convince himself that she was what he was supposed to want. When he’d done something stupid or kicked off with someone, and she’d looked at him with sad disappointment in her eyes, like she’d expected better from him. It made him feel just as contrite now as it did back then.

“I don’t want him to feel like that anymore, not after how far he’s come. Which is why we’re having this conversation. I’m sorry, but I just need to be sure, Aaron.”

It was a long time before Aaron spoke again, and to her credit, Victoria didn't push him for an answer.

“I don’t have a problem with him being bi,” he eventually said, quiet but firm. “Last time we had – we had a lot of issues and I was insecure and – ” He cut himself off with a shake of his head. It was too early in the morning to start down this path of trying to explain himself to her, especially in the middle of the cafe of all places. “Look, just… believe me when I say that I love him the way he is, I wouldn’t change anything about him. And I’ll make sure he knows it this time, I promise.”

It was clearly the right answer, because Victoria's entire face lit up with happiness.

“Good, I’m glad. Really glad,” she grinned, shoulders slumped with what Aaron guessed was immense relief. “Sorry, I won't keep you any longer.”

They said their goodbyes, and Aaron walked back to the Mill in something of a daze, barely acknowledging his mum’s wave from outside the pub.

“Hey, what took you so long?” Robert smiled at Aaron from the kitchen when he got back to the Mill, gently bouncing a fussy Seb in his arms.

“Sorry, bumped into Vic, you know what she’s like when she gets going.”

“Sounds about right,” Robert snorted. “What was she on about, anythin’ interesting?”

Aaron slowly set their breakfast down on the table, and took Seb from him. “No, not really.” 

*

After several months of counselling and taking several long, hard looks at himself and some of his choices, Aaron liked to think he was pretty self-aware these days. More than he’d ever thought he was capable of being.

He was aware, for example, that he had a tendency to fly off the handle, that he had a temper that could veer out of control if he let it. Only now, he didn’t. Now, he had coping mechanisms, and they actually _worked_ most of the time. He worked hard to keep himself in check, learned how to use his words instead of his fists, learned how to actually tell people how he was feeling instead of expecting them to guess based on his actions.

He’d always been pretty black and white in how he saw the world. For the longest time, he’d had very set ideas of what was right and wrong, of who was good and bad, and anyone who disagreed could go to hell as far as he concerned.  It was part of why Robert got under his skin from the very beginning; he’d challenged Aaron and called him out in a way that he wasn’t used to. It had led to some of their most explosive arguments the first time around, Robert having the ability to ignite that temper of his just as quickly as he could cool it. It was like meeting his match in every sense of the word.

On top of all of that, Aaron was stubborn and defensive, he knew he was. That would probably never change. But another thing he’d learned over the last few months was to try not to jump to conclusions, and to take a breath. Several breaths. To listen, to see things from someone else’s point of view and consider that he might just be the one in the wrong.

He wasn’t perfect. He was never going to be perfect. But he kept trying, kept working at it. For his family, for Robert, but mainly for himself. For the chance to be happy.

Vic’s cautious words had riled him instantly. His old defences had flown up within seconds, ugly memories of that time and those fights with Robert on that particular issue rushing to the surface before he could stop them. Those feelings of insecurity and paranoia and of _not being enough_.

A lot of it had been about Rebecca, of course it had. But it hadn’t just been her.

It had been a pretty waitress who’d smiled at Robert while she took their order in a restaurant. It had been Leyla who had touched Robert’s arm as she’d laughed at something he’d said in the street. It had even occasionally been Chrissie hanging around the pub, her and Robert throwing petty jibes at each other across the bar. It was every attractive woman who could give Robert something Aaron couldn’t.

He’d never had those feelings when he saw Robert interacting with other men. Not even on the rare occasions he’d managed to drag Robert to Bar West or to meet some of his mates who were gay. He’d never really dwelled on why, until now.

Now, he was sat in front of the laptop with the house to himself, the cursor innocently hovering at the search bar. He stared at it for a moment, before typing in the word _bisexuality_ and hitting enter.

He read for a few minutes, scrolling through wikipedia definitions and the first few articles he came across. Scanning through the basic facts and figures, a bit of history peppered with some statistics. As he clicked link after link, he soon reached some pages that are less factual, more… opinionated. Personal. 

It didn’t take long before he found himself reading various examples of offensive attitudes and behaviour, various lists titled _“What not to say to a bisexual person”_ or _“Things bisexual people are tired of hearing”_. It took even less time to comes across phrases that he was uncomfortably, startlingly familiar with.

_Which do you prefer, men or women?_

_Bisexual people are sex-obsessed._

_You’re just afraid to admit you’re gay._

_So you’re half-gay, half-straight?_

_Bisexual people are liars._

_It’s just a phase, you’re confused._

_Bisexual people have it easier than gay people._

_Why can’t you just make your mind up? Pick a side._

_Bisexual people are greedy._

_Don’t you miss one gender when you’re with another?_

_Bisexual people can’t do monogamy, they’re all cheaters._

Aaron read each phrase carefully, as well as each accompanying explanation of exactly what was offensive about it, what the assumptions and implications were. His reading eventually took him to Youtube, where he watched videos of bisexual people – both men and women – discussing the same phrases, and expressing how hard it was to hear them.

It wasn’t like Aaron hadn’t heard some of those attitudes before. Before Robert, he’d only ever dated other gay men, all of his friends from Bar West were gay. A lot of this stuff wasn’t new to him, it was what he’d heard when he first came out and started socialising with other gay blokes. Usually as a casual joke, sometimes as an outright insult. It hadn’t taken long for him to pick up the same attitude, to have some of the same thoughts implanted in his brain even while he was dating Robert. He’d vocalised them, too…

_“She thought she had a chance.”_

_“Well I didn’t make her think that.”_

_“People are always gonna think that.”_

_“What, because I’m bi?”_

_“Well at least_ you _said it.”_

_“You think the minute a girl offers it on a plate, I’m just gonna go there?”_

_“How should I know?”_

-

_“I asked you if you were still into women and you swore to me that you weren’t.”_

_“No, I swore to you that being bisexual doesn’t mean that I’m gonna cheat on you.”_

_-_

_“I’m bisexual, okay? I like both, it doesn’t mean I’m gonna cheat.”_

_“Well I can’t be both.”_

_“Obviously!”_

_“It’s just… confusing.”_

_“No, it’s really not.”_

-

_“You just wanna keep your options open.”_

-

_“Why did you always say you were straight?”_

-

_“You’re still scared to accept who you are.”_

-

_“How did it feel, laying it out for a woman? Was it nice and normal?”_

Aaron’s own words – harsh ones he’d half-forgotten he’d even said – came flooding to the forefront of his mind as he stared at the screen. Most of them were thrown out in anger, during the heat of a fight, but he’d still said them, still used them against Robert as a way to win an argument.

Tapping his fingers agitatedly on the table, he watched a video of a bisexual man onscreen talk about his relationship with his last boyfriend. He shared his experience of facing multiple accusations of cheating or missing being with women, of being told that he must secretly want to be in a “straight” relationship again. 

“I want people to know that it’s exhausting,” he vented with tired frustration, throwing his hands up and glaring at the camera. “Dealing with that kind of biphobic shit is exhausting. Having to defend yourself over and over again is _exhausting_.”

A memory of Robert’s words suddenly echoed in Aaron’s ears.

_“We’ve been through this a thousand times! I don’t know how else to prove to you that I love you.”_

His voice had been filled with the exact same exhaustion.

Aaron’s hand abruptly slapped the spacebar to pause the video. He pushed back the chair with a loud scrape and walked away from the table.

_Biphobic._

The word circled around his head as he circled around the kitchen, hands on his hips and breathing heavily through his nose.

It wasn’t a word he’d ever given much thought, really, it wasn’t one he’d often heard either. Robert had never used it when they fought, never put a label to his frustrations. It was always – as Victoria had put it – “having a bit of a problem” with it.

Aaron knew _exactly_ what he’d have to say to anyone who tried to pass off homophobia as “having a bit of a problem” with him being gay.

But all those fights, all those times he’d yelled in Robert’s face about his hatred of his attraction to women… he’d always assumed it came from a place of insecurity, from his fear of Robert realising that he could do better than Aaron and leaving him.

And it _was_ , to an extent. After his anger issues, his deep insecurities and lack of self-worth were probably the biggest thing he’d had to work through in counselling, it was an issue his therapist had brought up several times. But to say that was all it had been… insecurity… to lay the blame for his words entirely on his own issues would be a lie.

He remembered the shock he’d felt just a couple of weeks ago, when Victoria told him she was taking Robert to a gay bar. Then the even _bigger_ shock when he’d walked in and seen Robert talking to – _actually_ _flirting with_ – a man there. Leaning into him, smiling bashfully, getting his number, nearly going home with him.

Seeing it had been a strange and unsettling jolt to Aaron’s system, something he’d struggled to comprehend. It was something more confused and complicated than just simple jealousy (though he’d definitely felt that too, no doubt about it). Ever since their breakup, he’d been waiting for Robert to end up back with a woman – expected it, even. His whole family had; his mum, Paddy, Liv… they’d all alluded to it at some point during these last few terrible months. 

Until he’d seen it with his own eyes, it had never actually occurred to him that it might be another man Robert would eventually be drawn to. As if Aaron had been some exception to the rule, like Robert’s attraction to him had just been temporary. A _phase_.

Shit.

Aaron didn’t want to keep thinking about this, he really didn’t. He wanted to slam the laptop shut and walk away, go do something else until he’d forgotten all about it and lost that uncomfortable feeling twisting in the pit of his stomach. Dropping his head down, he looked at the wedding ring on his hand, twisted it with his fingers. He thought of Robert, then thought of one final memory. Of what he’d said to Robert right after they had their first kiss.

_“It’s pretty obvious.”_

_“What is?”_

_“You’re_ gay _.”_

_“I’m not gay.”_

_A disbelieving scoff. “Really."_

Slowly, Aaron put the kettle on, made himself a cup of tea. Mug in hand, he returned to his seat and hit the play button again. He kept watching.

*

“Can we have a chat?” 

Aaron plopped himself down next to Robert where he was curled up on the sofa, fiddling with his hands as Robert looked up from his phone with a questioning half-smile.

“Yeah, course. Just give me a sec, Jimmy's being more incompetent than usual.”

Aaron waited while Robert quickly tapped out a text and fired it off, before tossing his phone down on the cushions. “What’s up?”

Aaron opened his mouth, only to realise he had no idea how to actually start. He may be getting better at opening up, but he was still rubbish with words, that was something no amount of counselling would change. Robert waited for a moment, before turning to face Aaron properly, tucking a leg underneath him and giving him his full attention.

“Are you alright? Something happened?”

Aaron shook his head and pulled his own leg up, mirroring Robert’s position, absently wondering how the hell he’d lasted so many months sitting here alone.

“This might sound a bit, er, random. But we said we’d keep talking, no more hiding things. And this is something I think I need to talk to you about so… ”

At Robert’s silent nod, Aaron took a deep breath. Right then... probably best just to come out with it.

“When we were together – the last time – I wasn’t great about you being bi.”

Robert’s jaw dropped slightly, clearly caught off-guard. Whatever he’d been expecting, Aaron imagined it hadn’t been that. 

“What?”

“I gave you a hard time about your sexuality, I know I did. And it – I wanted to say sorry.”

“Aaron it’s – it’s fine, you had so much going on that year, you’d been through hell. You were all over the place, we both were.”

“That doesn’t make it right. Yeah, I went through a lot and I know I was a bit of a mess. I had issues and insecurities that weren’t my fault,” Aaron could feel himself rushing through the words, and let out a long sigh, made an effort to slow down. He couldn't fuck this up. “But they weren’t your fault, either. And it wasn’t fair to take what I was going through out on you, or to make you feel bad about something that you can’t change. That’s part of who you are.”

“You really don’t have to say all this.”

“You thought I’d prefer it if you were gay. You thought I didn’t like you being bi.”

Robert froze, his entire body stiffening, before he ran a quick hand through his hair. “Have you… been speaking to Victoria?”

“Yeah, she mentioned it.”

“She shouldn’t have.”

“She was only looking out for you. And I’m glad she did.” Aaron reached for Robert’s hand and laced their fingers together, the same way he had back in the garage a couple of weeks ago. 

Robert stared down at their interlocked hands, remaining silent. 

“I… did a bit of googling. A lot, actually. Read some stuff, watched some stuff. Stuff that made me realise that the things I used to think and say… they weren’t great. Me assuming you’d cheat or telling you that you must miss being with a woman or – or wishing you’d just make your mind up. Accusing you when you’d done nothing wrong. None of that was okay, Rob, you can’t tell me it didn’t cause some problems. Or make you feel bad about yourself.”

He squeezed Robert’s hand, willing him to _say something_ , to take the baton from him. He wasn't usually the talker out of the two of them, speaking so much about topics so sensitive made him feel raw and vulnerable, it took him right out of his comfort zone.

“When we were – when I was still with Chrissie,” Robert eventually said, looking up at him. “You pushed me so hard to accept who I was, to be honest with myself and come out. And I’m so glad you did, because it changed everything. Being myself made me happier than I ever thought I could be. But… ” he trailed off, hesitant. “Then when I _was_ finally out and coming to terms with it, when I finally said _okay, I’m bisexual, this is who I am_ … it seemed like you didn’t actually _like_ who I was. Like it wasn't the result you'd been hoping for when you'd said you wanted me to come out. After everything we’d gone through, how hard it had been to accept it, it was – it felt like a bit of a kick in the teeth sometimes, if I’m honest.”

Aaron felt his face fall, and the beginnings of tears pricking in the backs of his eyes. He’d wanted Robert to be honest, he wanted the truth… but God if it didn’t hurt to hear, causing his heart to ache painfully. At the expression on his face, Robert stroked a reassuring thumb along his hand.

“But I didn’t tell you any of this, not properly. Not unless we were in the middle of a fight,” he gave Aaron a rueful look. “Which wasn’t ideal. I dunno, I think I just hoped that if I just told you I loved you enough times, you’d eventually believe me and stop thinking that way. Which, looking back, was pretty stupid. I should’ve just talked to you, told you how I felt.”

“Probably should’ve talked about a lot of things,” Aaron tried a small smile, sighing with relief when Robert smiled back softly.

“Think we’ve established that, yeah.”

“You were still figuring things out; I should’ve been supporting you, not making it harder by being weird about it. I get that now.”

“It’s okay, Aaron, we're okay. Honestly.”

Aaron remembered his promise to Victoria, and reached up to cup Robert’s jaw. “I just need you to know that I’m sorry. And things are gonna be better this time, I swear.”

“I know.” Robert tilted his head into Aaron’s hand.

“I love you, every part of you, and there’s nothing I would change. Except maybe your taste in clothes.”

Robert barked a laugh and swatted him lightly. “Yeah, I know that, too. Cheeky sod.” He leaned over and wrapped his arms around Aaron’s shoulders, pulling him in for a hug.

“I love you,” he sighed into Aaron’s neck. “Love you more than anythin’.” 

The tightness with which Robert held onto Aaron, arms squeezing until their bodies were pressed entirely together, gave Aaron a clue of exactly how much the words they’d just exchanged meant to him. Aaron smiled into his shoulder, palms stroking up and down his back, overwhelmingly relieved that Victoria had said what she did. That they’d had this conversation, hard as it was.

Because it was conversations like this one that meant he could keep his promise. Things were going to be better.

**Author's Note:**

> My boy Aaron worked *so damn hard* on himself in late 2017/early 2018, he came so far and I was ridiculously proud of him, considering he's, y'know, a fictional character. I wanted to delve a little into that, as well as address his changing feelings towards Robert's bisexuality. Hopefully I did an ok-ish job of it!


End file.
